you are the hole in my head
by morallydubiousprincess
Summary: The bond forces Elena to stay away from Damon, but it doesn't stop her thoughts from straying towards him. Explores Elena's headspace post 4x09 and how the bond affects her thoughts, feelings, actions and sense of self. Title is from "No Light No Light" by Florence The Machine. Originally a oneshot, but to be continued.


you are the hole in my head

The bond forces Elena to stay away from Damon, but it doesn't stop her thoughts from straying towards him. Explores Elena's headspace post 4x09 and how the bond affects her thoughts, feelings, actions and sense of self. Title is from "No Light No Light" by Florence + The Machine.

Update: This was originally intended as a oneshot fic with an open ending, but now because of requests for updates and the many ideas in my head, I'm going to write a few more chapters to this fic. Expect an update in a few days.

* * *

The second that Caroline mentions a sire bond, Elena's whole world flips upside down.

Her mind rushes to questions about what the hell this all means. Visions of Klaus' hybrids and mind control and faith and Tyler putting Jeremy in danger fill her mind. Does it change everything she's done since she's turned? Everything she's said? Felt?

Tyler told her that all a sire bond does is affect her actions, not her emotions, so she clings onto that. She tries to hold onto what she knows. Her feelings are real. She's changed. Her feelings are real. They're real. It's real. It has to be. Anything else and it all falls apart.

* * *

She can't stop herself from getting in the car.

No matter how much she wants to fight him, tell him to stop and yell at him not to make her leave, her mouth won't make the words. All she can do is tell him she wanted to fight him, but that he body is telling her to get in the car. As a last ditch effort to get him to get him to stop, Elena kisses Damon. His command said nothing about not touching him, not kissing him goodbye. But all he does is look at her with sad eyes and all she can do is get in the car and drive away.

She still feels the lingering pressure of his lips as she drives away with Bonnie. She might not be able to stay with him, but that doesn't mean she has absolutely no control over her body. Driving away feels right and wrong at the same time. He said it would make him happy, but she saw the heartbroken look in his eyes. As the trees turn into streetlamps and Mystic Falls come into view, all she can think of is how he promised to never leave her and how he's not here.

* * *

Sometimes she hates Damon for doing this to her. For making her leave. For leaving her.

She knows it's because of the bond and how he doesn't want to force her to do anything she doesn't truly want to do. That doesn't stop her from hating the bond more than she's every hated anything before. Bonds are supposed to bring people together, make them stronger. This sire bond is a mockery of what bonds should be. What their relationship should be. It forces her away from her own choices and free will and being without him is almost more painful than knowing what he says could affect her every action or thought.

He said he was setting her free, but she's never felt more trapped.

* * *

She doesn't stay at her house anymore. She can't. All she sees everywhere is remnants of Jeremy, of her mother and father, of Jenna and of loss. So, when she finds herself walking towards the Salvatore boarding house, she's surprised to see Stefan there.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, all furrowed brow and full of judgement and concern.

"What does it matter?" she almost spits at him. Elena feels angry. Bitter. Almost hates Stefan for figuring out this whole sire bond thing. She does hate him for wanting to fix her instead of just loving her. (Like _he _does. Did. She doesn't even know that anymore).

She's upstairs in a flash of vampire speed, her bag on the ground and Stefan left dumbfounded at the door.

She lies in his too large bed, remembers a happy morning full of light and smiles and kisses, and Elena has never felt more empty.

* * *

She clings to what she knows is true. If the bond has been possibly changing how she acts and feels, she needs to go back to a time before there was even a sire bond, before she was a vampire.

Elena finds herself in the last place she was human. Wickery Bridge, where she's died and lost and transformed herself countless times. She can see the damage from when she crashed here with Matt, her last moments as a human, wood and bricks out of line and damaged in an otherwise immaculate bridge.

The last time she was here, Damon saved her. He grabbed her burning body and held her as they jumped into the river together. She remembers waking up, her head so clear, so full of life and knowledge of what she had to do. Was all of that real? Those feelings of gratefulness, of clarity, of acceptance and love?

Elena doesn't know what's real anymore, so she goes back to her last experience as a human and jumps.

This time she doesn't have anyone to save her.

* * *

The water is icy cold, but at least this time she's not submerged in a truck or about to burn in the sun.

She wonders how long a vampire can last underwater. How long until her lungs start to burn with river water, the familiar taste of leaves and death filling her mouth.

Damon would never want her to jump off this bridge again - it would make him miserable. At least she knows that this action is her own.

Elena flashes back to the last time she was here and conscious, begging Stefan to save Matt and finally ready to die where she was supposed to so many months before. The knowledge that Damon was off dying by himself, her last thoughts drenched with him.

She's almost disappointed when she emerges from the river, soaked, but physically intact. Wickery Bridge is much less scary when drowning can no longer kill you. It's one upside of being a vampire.

* * *

It's a Wednesday afternoon in history class when Elena decides she needs to talk to him. She's tired of being unsure of every thought, emotion and action she does. Exhausted at not knowing who is is anymore.

She runs out of class without warning, concerned glances from Caroline and Stefan coming towards her. They stare, but don't follow.

Elena takes out her phone and calls Damon. He just told her to leave, not to call, not to feel not to think about him. This action is hers.

The phone rings, once, twice, three times when she hears his voice.

"Hello," she says.


End file.
